Editor's Note: Lewis McDonald Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 - March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South.
Bing Won't Be Home...
MACON,GA- I went out to buy some Christmas music. What I like to do during Christmas is build a fire, sit by it and listen to, as the radio announcers say, songs of the season.
What I really wanted was Bing Crosby. Christmas comes and I normally think of Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" and "I'll be Home for Christmas."
I went into one of those stores that carries albums and tapes.
One of the sales clerks, a girl perhaps 11 years old, waited on me.
"I'd like to see some Christmas tapes," I said.
"Any particular artist?" she asked.
"Yes, I'd like to see some Bing Crosby."
"You mean Crosby, Stills and Nash?"
"No," I continued. "Bing Crosby. You know, Hope's pal. `The Bells of St. Mary's' and all that."
"I'm afraid we don't carry Ben Crosby," the girl said.
"Not `Ben,' " I tried to explain. "It's `Bing.' He smoked a pipe and . . . "
"I'll get my supervisor," said the clerk.
That's more like it, I thought. At least now I could deal with an adult.
"There is a problem, sir?" asked the supervisor. He might have been 19.
"No problem. I just want to buy a couple of Bing Crosby Christmas tapes. My dog ate the old ones."
"Would this Crisby . . . "
"`Crosby."'
"I'm sorry. Would this Crosby be rock, country and western or rhythm and blues?"
"I can't believe this," I said. "Bing Crosby was one of the greatest singers who ever lived. His Christmas music is legendary. You mean to say you've never heard of Bing Crosby?"
"He must have been a little before my time," the supervisor explained. "We do have a rather extensive list of Christmas albums and tapes by other artists, however. Would you like to see some of them?"
"Sure," I said. "How about Perry Como? Do you have any Perry Como?"
"No, but we do have Nasty Ned and His Nine Nasty Nose Pickers and their Christmas album, `Rock Around the Christmas Tree Until You Throw Up.' "
"No, thanks. How about Andy Williams?"
"I don't think we have that, either. But we do have Stark Nekkid and the Car Thieves and their latest, `Santa Got Caught in my Chimney and the Bats Ate Him.' "
"Johnny Mathis?"
"Nope."
"Roger Whitaker?"
"Afraid not."
"Robert Goulet?"
"Never heard of him."
"Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme?"
"Aren't they on `Hart to Hart?' "
"Forget it," I finally said. "Just show me where you keep all your Christmas music and I'll make a decision."
I wound up buying "The Chipmunks' Christmas."
They aren't Bing Crosby, but for small, burrowing animals, they don't sing half bad.
.JPG)
Thur Dec 10, 2009 2:57pm EST
.JPG)
